☀ ☁ ☂ ☃

Gossip girl

2012-01-03T00:31:00.003+08:00

"Have you even thought it might be your own fault?"

"No."

"It's how you define yourself. But if that's not who you want to be anymore, the only person who can change that is you."

2012

2012-01-02T04:50:00.004+08:00

Happy New Year

what more can i say about my mundane life? but fuck 2012 already.

promise to do another update soon.

Friday - Tuesday

2011-11-29T10:55:00.000+08:00

1. Breaking Dawn - Twice (omg Jacob!)
2. Already Famous (omg Xiao Gui!)
3. Happy Feet 2 (omg Eric!)

Ys/Wy's 19th

2011-11-27T17:07:00.001+08:00

@ MBK

@ PH

Happy Sunday

2011-11-21T14:47:00.000+08:00

So blue indeed

2011-11-14T09:58:00.001+08:00

what is worst than waking up with a sore throat, a badly aching body, a blocked nose, a massive headache and going to work with a fever? way to go Monday.

update:

I'm so glad to be home!!!!!!!!! i've no appetite and i'm feeling weak......

Thoughts on a rainy saturday afternoon

2011-11-12T16:26:00.001+08:00

Anya Marina - Whatever You Like

Prada X'mas iPhone Case Collection 2011

Samsung EX1

I wish

2011-11-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

11/11/11 11:11

what's the big deal?

Flying solo

2011-11-10T23:37:00.000+08:00

pictures are taken with an iphone 4, edited using mtxx

work
facial appointment @ monz beauty and soul (cecil street, octagon building)
dinner at lao pa sat
took a longggggggggggggg stroll alone
home

taken after facial - my complexion has never been this bad. look at how horrible and disgusting it is. i never want to go through this amount of pain for extraction ever again. i'm guilty of taking advantage of my good complexion. it's time i start taking care of it. it's time i start using a cleanser.

Today

2011-11-08T22:34:00.000+08:00

today's lunch:

Blu Jaz Cafe @ Bali Lane

today's dinner:

Cafe Indulge @ The Cathay

A day with the Ngs'

2011-11-07T22:13:00.000+08:00

happy hari raya haji
lunch at lim seng lee duck rice (south buona visa)
to the west to shop for sportswear
west coast park: jog walk "gold cart"
dinner at pasir panjang food centre

cannot remember when was the last time we spent quality time together. especially with my dad. besides him nagging me about the usual stuff and preaching me on life lessons, he broke a piece of news to me which was extremely hurting and disappointing upon hearing, so much that I had to look away because my eyes was welling up with tears. I remained silent and took a deep breath, still trying to brace up, then asked for the reason but I had no intention of letting him know how I felt. I didn't want to. I just couldn't. but i guess he knew after all. why? am I not feeling unwanted and unimportant enough already? why do i have to go through this similar treatment again, even from my own family. I just didn't see it coming. he himself knows my situation best... but i love him nonetheless. Sometimes, or rather, most of the time, some things are better left unsaid.

How many heartaches will be aching tonight?

Joke of the day

2011-11-06T22:29:00.001+08:00

I've been a fool I've been a living joke my life is over happy Sunday people

Gabrielle - Nothing Hurts Like Goodbye

2011-11-06T19:40:00.002+08:00

Have you ever been hurt so bad
That you thought that you would die
Have you ever had to hold back tears
When you just wanted to cry
Have you ever had to hear the truth
And try to keep a smile
Have you ever had so much to say
That you just ran out of time

Nothing hurts more than when you're saying goodbye
You're left feeling lonely with pain you feel inside
The heart keeps aching and you feel a little fragile
Cause nothing hurts, nothing hurts, like goodbye

Ever wish you can turn back time
And live your life again
Have you ever wanted one more chance
To right all your regrets
Wish the rain could was away tears
And wash away the hurt
Cause pushing thoughts to the back of your head
It doesn't seem to work

Nothing hurts more than when you're saying goodbye
You're left feeling lonely with pain you feel inside
Your heart keeps breaking and you feel a little fragile
Cause nothing hurts, no nothing hurts, like goodbye

Like goodbye

~

Welcome to my life.

Good morning

2011-11-06T05:08:00.000+08:00

rain outside my window pouring down what now you're gone my fault i'm sorry

it's a few minutes past five in the morning now well i guess friends do really come in a season "when I feel that I’m not important to a person, I take the initiative to move away. Not because I don’t care anymore, but because I've realized that if he’s not happy with me, there’s no reason for me to stay and hold on" i am so fucking done with you with them with every single one and every single thing i'm shutting down myself for good

Ella Mae Bowen - Holding Out For A Hero

2011-11-05T20:24:00.000+08:00

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream
of what I need

[Chorus]

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

[Chorus]

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I could swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood

Whatever you like

2011-11-04T21:20:00.000+08:00

i haven't been hanging out lately and today then i realised how lonely and pathetic i actually am. as if they would actually give two fucks about me. no one would. been doing moderately normal avoidance techniques. i'm in no control of my emotions. it just gets worse and worse each time. not like i haven't been feeling heavy enough already. why am i even here? does it even make a difference whether i am here? i hate how things are right now. it's disheartening to know that I am someone people forgets easily or simply cannot be bothered with. and to be honest, i've forgotten what was life like before i started hanging out with them. i just don't want to be me anymore.

Extensions

2011-11-02T13:48:00.001+08:00

now that I've got my extensions on, I need to stop rubbing my eyes already!!!!!! and there's no need for me to apply mascara anymore!!! for now.

update: it's getting real uncomfortable!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really really really want to pluck out each and every strand of it...

Teeny weeny

2011-11-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

thought i could tuck myself under the sheets as early as 10pm tonight but i am hooked onto a hong kong series, Only You. There goes my sufficient amount of sleep. I am sleep deprived.

and just a moment ago, i went through my contacts, hoping to see who can i have dinner with tomorrow evening but sadly i found no one. it's sad, especially when i'm mad craving for both steamboat and sushi but right now my mind is filled with images of boon lay's power nasi lemak. what a life.

Random

2011-11-01T15:10:00.000+08:00

The weight of the day

2011-10-27T13:42:00.000+08:00

I wake up to nothing every day. I think about my life - it's extremely depressing, upsetting and empty. especially with what is going on lately, there are alot to take in, a lot of emotions to be dealt with and it's taking its toll on me.

how is it that everyone makes me feel so worthless and unimportant? sadly not even a single cent. it's pathetic. I am pathetic.

I need a whole lot of happiness, securities and belongingness.

my heart sinks, each time I think about everyone, everything, all the memories, the 'used to bes', though i am fully aware that the good old days are gone and the people I know became the people I knew.

is that all? or there's more to come?

either I am the one pushing people away or they are. am I better off alone? it'd be good, if I am able to leave for another state. then again it's impossible and I obviously have some soul searching to do.

like what had happened recently. how is this fair? you tell me.

it's times like these where i have second thoughts abut everything and nothing feels right anymore. Take this nothingness away from me....... please.

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Depressing monday

2011-10-24T09:59:00.002+08:00

things are falling apart but i guess i don't really have much of a choice now

Freezing

2011-10-22T23:46:00.004+08:00

honestly, i don't know whether to hate or love today. Love it because i finally feel like i have all the time in the world, to do what i do best at home which is to lie on the bed with my laptop, watching shows online or surfing without any disturbance at all... but looks like time is running out, a few more minutes to sunday and soon, it'll be monday, all over again.

Hate it because i'm all alone on a saturday (night). I check my phone every now and then, hoping someone would call or text me, and wondering why hasn't anyone done so yet...

Have a great weekend x

What's next

2011-10-16T16:04:00.001+08:00

today, I'm feeling awfully disgusted with myself. And my life.

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Batam

2011-10-16T13:04:00.001+08:00

Morning Saturday.

☹

2011-10-14T21:18:00.003+08:00

i guess, my tumblr says it all... this is probably 2/4 of the reason why i don't blog that frequent anymore.

1/4: my life is dull and meaningless

another 1/4: lazy

Tgif?

2011-10-14T08:39:00.002+08:00

my Friday morning is filled with regrets, guiltiness, angst, disappointments, confusion and sadness. Not a tad bit of happiness and contentedness. Perhaps a little excitement because I'll be going to batam tomorrow. I could really use a getaway every weekend. I could get used to this.

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A penny for my thoughts

2011-10-13T02:25:00.002+08:00

it's only 2 in the morning and I am already back home from partying at phuture and powerhouse. everything felt so
wrong - from the mood, to the atmosphere. and to be honest I can't wait to step out of it right after I entered. am i too old for this already? but i'm only 20. or i was feeling... down? no, down is not the right word. guess i prefer thai discos more now... nevertheless, it was nice seeing the Lopez sisters and foo. we'll do this again someday? get well soon cheryl!! I need to sleep. Now.

why do I have work tomorrow?

Bangkok

2011-10-12T13:39:00.003+08:00

just 2 days back from my short getaway and I'm already yearning for another one. it is indeed a different experience for me... and though things wasn't that pleasant at some point of time but I'm glad all turned out rather good in the end. well I certainly hope one day I will have the courage to travel all by myself...

What is this?

2011-10-05T09:16:00.000+08:00

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Whatsapp Tuesday

2011-10-04T17:19:00.000+08:00

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Avenue 52 - Homeless

2011-10-03T11:16:00.001+08:00

Home is where the heart is
So if you're homeless where do you go to find the heart
To get through the struggles, to get through your troubles

M...o..n.d...a......y

2011-10-03T10:19:00.003+08:00

blogging because i am all alone in the office again, everyone from the 1st, 21st and 25th level are at a meeting with the big bosses whom just flew over from Japan this morning which is why i have to reach at 830am instead of 9am, blogging because i feel like it.

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go write it down and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to."

yes, this has been a post

So what if it's the weekends

2011-10-01T17:58:00.002+08:00

i feel so unhappy lately, or should i say all the time. Things change, friends leave.

Good morning Thursday

2011-09-29T10:23:00.002+08:00

had a great time with c and jw last evening. We, being the usual us, nothing much has changed - still laughing over jw's bimbotic-ness and we of course also did what we do best, camwhore!!! September has been filled with activities... I hope this week comes to an end soon because all I want to do is to be under the sheets catching my dramas....

To tumblr or not

2011-09-28T14:04:00.002+08:00

i actually have a tumblr account... and i'm thinking of blogging there instead. But should i? Cause that way, i wouldn't be able to 'reblog' as much, it'll end up covering my entries?

How???

http://www.mcspicyburger.tumblr.com

Love/hate relationship

2011-09-26T12:17:00.001+08:00

i hate how i prioritised them i hate how i feel so unimportant to them i hate how i always take one step forward and they make me take two steps backwards instead i hate how they don't appreciate my good intentions i hate how they don't seem to understand i hate how narrow minded they are i hate how annoying and irritating they are sometimes/most of the time but i still love them anyway

let's have fun again

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September

2011-09-24T02:53:00.000+08:00

I have 2 birthday party later on, 1 wedding dinner tomorrow night, a dental appointment on Monday and an appointment with a financial planner on Tuesday (thanks to my uncle... -_-).

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Get down on Friday

2011-09-23T20:01:00.001+08:00

recent instagram that i took/made and a huge ass picture of me looking like snow white ahahahahahahhaa

"The Best Divorce Letter Ever!"

2011-09-23T14:02:00.001+08:00

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

—

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

source: my stepmother's facebook

formspring.me

2011-09-12T09:38:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/chermaineng

Today's horoscope

2011-09-09T09:17:00.000+08:00

"Life is a little odd today. You have to hold on and not allow any surprises to apparently surprise you. You need to maintain that cool, calm, and detached image that you have so successfully cultured. Others are looking for expressions of shock - don't give them that satisfaction. Smile, even if you have to grin and bear it."

do you believe in horoscopes? Because I do.

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formspring.me

2011-09-08T15:36:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/chermaineng

2011-09-06T10:14:00.000+08:00

tuesday blues i can't wait to end work at 6

Shashlik

2011-09-06T08:50:00.001+08:00

头发

2011-09-04T23:41:00.001+08:00

permed my hair for the first time but it is so short now i hope the curls stays

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Hair + Food

2011-09-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

my hair......................... (T^T)

we're still in the process of fixing our hair @ nex on an early saturday morning it all better be good

update:

wenwen!!

lunch @ din tai fung

update:

dinner @ 526 + kam gs ron fiona wisely ph siewhoon ben bm elaine yb sy ahwu zx rica + an hour or two of talking nonsense + dota + supper @ 491 + breakfast @ 247

☺☺☺☺☺

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Hi

2011-09-02T21:52:00.002+08:00

hey what's up

Bacon

2011-09-02T09:52:00.001+08:00

i had a rough night

anyway this sure looks tempting

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Cold + Hungry

2011-08-31T19:02:00.000+08:00

impromptu sakae sushi dinner @ cpf building with xiuting

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Luncheon meat

2011-08-31T10:25:00.001+08:00

so hungry so cold so sleepy i really hate working will the weekend come already?

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The woman

2011-08-31T00:21:00.001+08:00

my day was spent at my grandmother's just practically lazing around watching tv napping and having home cooked food had a pretty hard time dealing with the emotions that is coming from all aspects of life and is still dealing with it by the way she is like an angel that is sent from heaven i really am thankful for her i love her so much i can never find anyone else like her not even my parents what am i do to without her thank you for everything ah mah

X

Kaylene's 1st

2011-08-30T12:35:00.002+08:00

‎"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go write it down and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to."

@ work

2011-08-26T11:06:00.001+08:00

morning it's been a long time

it's friday, friday, gotta get down on friday, everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend

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Want, need

2011-08-25T21:28:00.003+08:00

Won Hundred Hand

Vagabond Gaga Creeper

Substitute Club Kid

Senso Saffron

Senso Narcisco

Matiko Stella

Matiko Jovanna

Jeffrey Campbell Zup

Jeffrey Campbell Zip

Jeffrey Campbell Zinger

Jeffrey Campbell Zag

Jeffrey Campbell Wrecker

Jeffrey Campbell V Man

Jeffrey Campbell Tardy

Jeffrey Campbell Tackle

Jeffrey Campbell Suebee

Jeffrey Campbell Sassy

Jeffrey Campbell Pachenga

Jeffrey Campbell One O One

Jeffrey Campbell Merry

Jeffrey Campbell Mariel

Jeffrey Campbell Lita

Jeffrey Campbell Kelsey

Jeffrey Campbell In Trouble

Jeffrey Campbell Darian

Jeffrey Campbell Corkey

Jeffrey Campbell Clark

Jeffrey Campbell Broome St

Jeffrey Campbell Big Girl

Jeffrey Campbell 99

Irregular Choice Chica Chola

Gee Wa Wa Flora

Eighty Twenty Kip

Ego and Greed Svan

Cheap Monday Monolit

To the east side

2011-05-07T22:14:00.001+08:00

What's up guys. Work has not only taken up a lot of my time but also draining up all my energy in just such a short period of time. Likely because I'm not used to this lifestyle, yet, but all is good, the people, the workload and the environment. So as we know that the GE results will be out realllllllly soon and whatever the outcome is, tomorrow will be another brand new start. Happy Saturday people!

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The Pretty Reckless - Just Tonight (Unplugged)

2011-05-04T22:23:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes I miss it. I miss holding someone’s hand. I miss being held someone’s arm and feel safe and secure. I miss those late night calls and late nights texts. I miss those tight hugs and not letting go. I miss calling that certain someone ” babe” or even “hunny”. I miss those cute cheesy nicknames. I miss those uncontrollable laughs together. I miss sleeping on the phone. Cuddling is always the best. Showering them with kisses and acting silly together. Going out to places and make memories out of them. Playing video games, loser kisses winner. Shopping together, choosing what to buy. Cute necklaces to wear. Getting those unexpected kisses. Teasing each other. Have those silly arguments. Those long stares into each others’ eyes. Cuddling in bed and end up falling asleep. Yeah sometimes, I miss it."

Blues

2011-05-03T08:52:00.000+08:00

It's back to reality once again after a long weekend...... It's only my second day and I'm already dreading work. It's so hot and sunny even when I'm in the cab. I better stop flagging for one every morning before I make it a habit. On a happier note, I'm meeting my cheebs for dinner later!! I wished I was still in school so I could make use of the desk to sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.

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Malaysia truly Asia

2011-04-30T06:54:00.001+08:00

So apparently I did not get the position that I interviewed for on Monday. (Or is it Tuesday?) But I'm currently working as a temp in that company for only a month or two. My first day on thursday went pretty well and time passed amazingly fast. Met both my girls, Carissa and Junwen for dinner at town after work before realising how tired I was when I got home. My eyes could barely open. I'm definitely not a morning person. If I were to take a cab to work every day, I'll be so broke before I even get my pay! The HR applied leave for me on my second day because I had o go for driving. Woohooo what a long weekend!!

Went in to JB earlier on just now for supper with the boys. Happy birthday to you wisely ong!!!! Anyway I'm already on my way to Malacca now, will be there for 2 days! Till then.

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Struggling

2011-04-28T02:32:00.001+08:00

Every single time I walk up this flight of stairs, I'm always weighed down with anxiety, with a heavy heart. I'm going home, to a place where I'm being reminded of how empty, lonely and pathetic I am. I can't help but to feel so tortured and miserable.

I'm afraid I can no longer love anyone else as much as I loved you, I'm afraid I can never be so comfortable with anyone else except you.

You left. You gave up. Yet I'm still holding on, to any opportunities given.

I'm so sick and tired of having nights like this. I feel dead inside. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

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Same old me again today

2011-04-27T17:40:00.002+08:00

The only thing that I'm looking forward to is, tonight's training - got to sweat it all out, rather than 'sitting, waiting, wishing' at home, 'waiting for the end to come or better, 'trade this life for something new'.

Early bird

2011-04-26T08:45:00.001+08:00

It feels like I haven't slept at all and I'm already on my way to an interview. Exxxxxtremely scared and nervous right now because this is my first time. I hope everything goes well. Keeping my fingers crossed! Later.

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What are words

2011-04-25T17:31:00.002+08:00

"My favorite part of a relationship is the part where we’re just getting to know each other. The part where I wake up in the morning, and my first instinct is to text or call you to say ‘good morning’. The part where I’m just sitting in class, and suddenly the thought of you strikes my mind out of nowhere, causing me to smile. The part where we talk for hours long on the phone, asking each other questions, telling each other countless stories, and falling asleep together. From the cute nicknames to the constant flirting, I can’t help but feel a spark lighting up. These fresh feelings are what I cherish the most because they’re what keeps me hopeful for the future."

I miss this. I miss us. I wish I knew what to do. Can I not look back, anymore?

Rifle range

2011-04-25T04:39:00.002+08:00

My Sunday was spent with the Ngs' and I'm even more thankful and grateful for them after today. Especially what my grandmother and uncles did for me. Growing up as the eldest grandchildren in this family is different. I feel that I'm the youngest one instead. I know it isn't a good thing. Well go ahead and judge me. Nonetheless I'm so proud to be one of the Ngs'. What am I without them?

And the rest of the night was spent with beanice, elwyn, jerron, jiawei and jerron. First was power nasi lemak at boon lay, then dim sum at 126, followed by... Rounding at rifle range. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT TREE THAT FELL THAT BLOCKED THE REST OF THE REMAINING ROAD. It's pitched dark in there fyi... And along the way they were scaring me with the horror stories. They even stopped below the bridge and continued with the "ahmah" story. According to them, this was featured in Incredible Tales. I fucking swear I am not going back to that place, ever again. Even if it's for a million or billion. I'll kill them if I dream of anything like that tonight. Yes I am that gutless. And for people, especially girls who are gutless like me, take this as a warning ha ha ha

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Please stop stalking me like that night. Pleaseeeeeeeeee

2011-04-24T23:43:00.005+08:00

I did not hahahahahhahahha

Ask me anything

You still owe me IKEA lunch. See ya soon I hope xxx

2011-04-24T23:43:00.001+08:00

YEZZZZZZZZ!!!!! ♥

Ask me anything

Supposedly

2011-04-22T22:11:00.002+08:00

Have a blessed good Friday everyone! I was supposed to be out at ivan's for mahjong but blah blah blah so another day then. And you won't believe how B O R I N G Rebel was last night...... hopped over and stayed at Zirca after we're done with our drinks. I still cannot figure out how did I lost my voice. There's a frog stuck in my throat now ha ha ha ha ha

Change of plans

2011-04-21T15:32:00.004+08:00

Hmmmmmm the interview is postponed to next week so today is just me and the tv series, F.r.i.e.n.d.s. I'm thinking of...... a getaway. Asap. Anyone.?.?.?.?.?

F.r.i.e.n.d.s S7

2011-04-21T01:06:00.001+08:00

The people that never fails to cheer me up: Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross

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I love you, Daddy

2011-04-20T23:46:00.005+08:00

It was raining heavily the other day when he sheltered me using the umbrella with his hand over my shoulders. I felt like a little girl all over again. I smiled to myself, feeling the love from him even if it's just a small gesture like that. And just today, he wind down the window and said "good luck" with a smile on his face after I alighted, knowing I have an job interview tomorrow which was introduced by my uncle. I turned around, smiled and said "thank you, bye bye" while walking up the stairs. My eyes then filled up with tears.

That wasn't even tears of joy. That was like a reminder. It dawned on me that I've been a real disappointment, unfilial, and any other description that you can think of. Not that I don't know it myself, it's just that I've been oblivious to this matter. I felt really guilty. So much that I don't know what can I do. Because the thought of working scares me. The thought supporting myself scares me. The thought of growing up scares me. Even if it's just a job interview scares me too. I just want to be that little girl in his eyes, in my family. Yes, I do know that I NEED TO GROW UP but what can I do, what can I do to step out of my comfort zone? I am already twenty this year for goodness sake yet I'm scared of this and that. I'm a failure, I'm failing at life.

I reached home, what's new? Things always turn nasty whenever I'm back here at dover. I wonder why. I couldn't give in, I just couldn't... especially having so much on my mind.

And as much as I'd love to turn to you, I didn't, I refrained myself. It wasn't right, and there wasn't a need to do so just because we were back in contact recently. I'm so glad, glad that I didn't because I couldn't count on you anyway. Will I even get a reply from you? Will you even comfort me even if you did?

Then I realised I had no one. No one.

My eyes are burning. I've never cried this hard in a long time already.

Rain rain go away

2011-04-20T11:17:00.001+08:00

Good morning y'all. This is such a nice weather to sleep in but I'm already on my way to Jurong for driving. Why did it had to rain anyway??? I've never drove in this weather condition before. I hope the rain stops at 1130 just like how I hope I could shit my ovary out. Menses is one of the reason why I want to be a boy. So I guess that explains why I am so tomboyish.

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Fragility of friendship

2011-04-19T10:43:00.002+08:00

Realised that switching my phone off won't do/make any difference, thus I'm switching it back on... after a whole 2 days. Sure, I'm unhappy, of course. I don't quite know how to explain my unhappiness, with everything, with people. I hate how everything is these days. Seeing friends doing something without me, it's upsetting, that my existence isn't important. Or I've probably been forgotten. And me being me, "When I feel that I’m not important to a person, I take the initiative to move away. Not because I don’t care anymore, but because I've realized that if he’s not happy with me, there’s no reason for me to stay and hold on." - Quoted from Tumblr.

I had a friend, whom she had all her old friends removed from her life, which I think it's an extremely big step and it takes a hell lot of courage. She's doing fine now fyi. I'd love to do that too, get rid of people who doesn't matter to them like they do to me but I get attached with people too easily, sort of a people's person. So where the fuck do I actually find that courage and determination that she had?

I even thought of leaving. For a month. Even a week is good enough but that was then. I already had it all figured out. I'll get over it. Yay me? Well, I certainly HOPE I DID.

Wru

2011-04-17T22:38:00.000+08:00

“I want someone who I can tell all my secrets to. I want someone who won’t judge me for the mistakes I’ve made and the mistakes I continue to make. I want someone who will understand me. I want someone to hear me out, not just listen. I want someone who says good night to me and prays to God that they’ll get the chance to say good morning. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, despite all my flaws. I want someone who will wipe my tears away and make me smile when I’m down. I just want someone who loves me.”
— (via eletheowl)

To bring me back to life

2011-04-17T02:45:00.001+08:00

Another night in JB with 3 botaks and this is a picture of what we usually have for supper there; abalone noodle, wanton mee and my favourite, lok lok!

Watching an episode or two of hellcats first before I go to bed and wake up at 8 in the morning tomorrow.

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Sunshine

2011-04-16T11:27:00.002+08:00

I woke up in a midst of a dream this morning with a tinge of sadness and... nostalgia. I was being reminded of how this particular person used to be part of my life. But I slept well though, even if it's only for less than 6 hours, also not forgetting with the help of the alcohol I consumed last night. I reached out for my phone, which ended up on the floor. I must have shove it off while I was sleeping. I then unlocked it to check the notifications. And there I was, feeling disappointed. I don't know what was I even expecting. I just feel... disappointed...... that I wanted to fall right back into slumber but I couldn't. So this, is my Saturday morning.

Stars

2011-04-15T00:04:00.001+08:00

I'm spacing out... Here, at the west coast jetty, crabbing and fishing with the boys and girls. All is good. The sea breeze, the atmosphere and the people but it seems like something is wrong... Missing... I don't know why.

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F5

2011-04-14T11:24:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning and I just hated everything.

Rain rain go away

2011-04-13T15:55:00.002+08:00

"I’m at the point in my life where I’m so tired, depressed, and lonely that I just don’t care anymore. I’m so tired I can’t even kill myself. I’m too afraid. I will just sit here until I die of a heart attack or radiation from my computer screen." - J. Stile

It's over

2011-04-13T02:57:00.003+08:00

Red

2011-04-08T22:31:00.003+08:00

Blogging only pictures that were being taken months ago because I'm going for mahjong now at ivan's!

Sunny yellow banana day

2011-04-08T17:11:00.000+08:00

Suntanning today was a success!! And I'm shopping, again

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Linkin Park - Burning In The Sky

2011-04-07T12:33:00.001+08:00

I'm swimming in the smoke
Of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize
I'm losing what I don't deserve

Please stop going to Thai Clubs. kthxbye.

2011-04-07T10:20:00.001+08:00

I've stopped!!

Ask me anything

Orange and pink

2011-04-07T07:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday............... I went out shopping alone. I do this very often... provided if I have the cash hahahahahha it's good having some time to yourself once in awhile. Even if it's only being busy walking in and out of stores, picking out clothes, trying them out in the fitting room and making the payment at the cashier. Met up with xiuting and zihui in the evening, xiuting had her iPhone changed and we went for dinner followed by a round of mahjong at huangkhee's. This pretty much sums up my day already because I fell right deep into slumber after I was done showering...... I need a new lifestyle. I need to get a job already. Period.

Just can't get enough

2011-04-06T18:07:00.002+08:00

This was love at first sight hahahhahahahaha will update more later

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Prada Saffiano Metal Bi-fold Wallet

2011-04-05T12:42:00.001+08:00

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........?

Cher - Haven't Seen The Last Of Me

2011-04-05T00:56:00.002+08:00

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

Take on me

2011-04-04T15:28:00.002+08:00

The girls and I were supposed to meet at 3 but I guess not anymore because the both of them aren't awake yet.................. Like what I tweeted, "I'd flare up if I was all prepared and ready to go" Well there goes my Monday.

Read my mind

2011-04-04T00:12:00.003+08:00

So my family day wasn't that "family" after all. We spent the early afternoon at grandma's as usual, then I met up with shuangyao for about 2-3 hours or so, fell asleep right after I got home and woke up only at 9pm. Doubting that I will fall back into sleep anytime soon, I'm heading downstairs to meet up with binghuang and yuqing in awhile. Staying at Jurong is so convenient!! See you later alligators!

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Hello

2011-04-03T11:21:00.003+08:00

Jackpot

2011-04-03T04:10:00.001+08:00

Ok... so I enjoyed partying at ph tonight and it's time I post a picture of myself here heheheehe

Goodnight guys

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Closing time

2011-04-02T15:51:00.001+08:00

What's up guys I'm currently feeling a little lost on a Saturday afternoon I just finished my driving lesson and I've yet to sleep my whole body is aching terribly now I don't know what should/can I do to make it better maybe I should sleep my Saturday away fuck man what the fuck is happening to me enjoy your weekends guys

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0904

2011-04-02T09:01:00.001+08:00

You don't know what it's like

2011-04-02T05:08:00.001+08:00

It's only 5am and I'm already awake after 4 hours of sleep and is still feeling mentally and physically drained. Apparently I ran 105 rounds and played the dragon during today's training. I haven't felt this exhausted in awhile already and to be honest it felt good, sweating it all out. I could get used to this. But what's with the overwhelming sadness now? I can literally feel my heart aching...

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Made a wrong turn, once or twice

2011-04-01T07:25:00.002+08:00

Where on earth did I get the courage to tell you that? What have I gotten myself into again? I've been doing fine without you for months, years in fact so why the fuck is it happening once more? Perhaps I should blame it on my unresolved feelings but what made it worse is that you couldn't even be bothered to hit me back with a reply. Anything is fine, just something will do. And despite knowing you wouldn't give a fuck at all, I was still hoping...... Hoping for you to be just like who you were, hoping there is still you in you. What a foolish mistake. I feel like a clown now.

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Stickwitu

2011-04-01T02:00:00.000+08:00

"I don't want to go another day so I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind"

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Everyday I'm shufflin'

2011-03-31T16:04:00.001+08:00

Last night was awesome. I had so much fun together with my favourite girl and boys over at C's, Nana and Al-Alzhar.
...playing with photobooth
...snuggling myself in c's bed
...nana's chicken wings
...al-alzhar's mango spin
...singing our lungs out in the car with the windows wind down

♥♥♥

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♪(^^)o∀∀o(^^*)♪

2011-03-30T17:22:00.000+08:00

I had my first driving lesson today and now I'm on my way to sy's for mahjong. Huat ah!!!

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@BBDC

2011-03-28T16:48:00.000+08:00

Fuck yeah I passed my FTT!!

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Would you hold it against me

2011-03-28T06:39:00.000+08:00

Caught World Invasion on Saturday night with 8 boys+1 girl. Fucking awesome flick I tell you. I don't mind watching it again for the second time. We had supper at 651 before I left for mahjong at ivan's. I don't know how did I managed to survive for more than 12 hours just by playing mahjong hahaha more than half of my Sunday were already gone by the time we finished the last round. I got so sick and tired of touching the tiles that I even tweeted I was so done with mahjong but when a friend told me that they are short of a player, I agreed. We didn't, in the end because of someone and their excuses. As always. Like always. What's new? :)

So I spent the rest of my night at home doing nothing. It's nearing 7am already. I ought to sleep, or else I won't be on time for my FTT later in the afternoon at 430.

Sunny Friday

2011-03-26T07:09:00.000+08:00

I had 4 hours of training, followed by a steamboat session with the guys at jerron's and lastly a round of mahjong at ivan's. Oooh what a night~~~ I think I made the right choice by expecting nothing. Nothing from you. I'll pull through. Goodnight.

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